I saw the doc and had chemo this morning, and by and large, things went well. We talked some about the CA19-9 increase, but Dr. Reddy doesn’t think we should be concerned yet. He said there is still some tweaking we can do if it does, in fact, become a trend. Robin, my research coordinator, said there had been some changes in the process they use for doing the count, so that in itself may account for the increase. And she reminded me that we have to look at the whole picture, not just the CA19-9 ( which I tend to put too much emphasis on). My blood counts were pretty good, but I will probably get another transfusion early next week after the CT scan. That way I can enjoy Thanksgiving with a little more energy. Maybe I will even cook. A little. Let’s not get too carried away!
Overall, I am feeling a little better and pretty much over the ranting pity party of my last post (for which I offer my deepest apologies) and back in the fight mode again. Many of you emailed and commented on that last post, and I appreciate your concern, encouragement, and prayers so much. It’s so easy to just float along, thinking everything is fine, and before you know it, you start to take things for granted again. But there are other times when you don’t feel so good, and you float along thinking things are maybe getting worse, and before you know it, you are crying and whining about every little thing. But things have kind of piled up lately – we’ve had news of two friends here in town recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and another friend whose colon cancer returned. Plus I just had not been feeling well. So when that number came in, I guess it just set me off on that downward spiral. Maintaining the fight mode takes a lot of energy and conscious effort, but I had gotten sort of beaten down, I guess, and finally felt overwhelmed. I just couldn’t keep up the fight that day. That’s really disappointing to me personally, but I think I have learned a little bit more about how to keep that from happening in the future.
First, I need to rely more on friends and family. I tend to keep things in, and especially when I am by myself for hours on end, I can really get my imagination going and find myself almost in despair. I need to remember the strength I gain from all of you, especially knowing you are praying for me. And Jim and Lindy are just amazing support. Lindy gave me the first smile of the day yesterday when she texted me from school that she had made a really good grade on a Spanish test. And she does sweet little things for me when she knows I’m not feeling well. And Jim – what can I say? I can tell myself over and over that everything will be ok, and all this will work out, and at the same time think that’s all BS and I really don’t know what will happen. But Jim can say “everything will be ok” and I instantly believe it to be an absolutely true and correct statement. And that’s not normal for me – usually I question just about everything he says if only for the fun of it. Plus he can make me laugh even when I’m scared and crying over something. How am I so blessed to have such a wonderful husband?
Another thing I really need to keep in mind is something Father Hoa told me a few weeks ago in confession. He knows my situation, and I was telling him that I had not been feeling well, and had been lying around a lot, and had been lazy. He said that sometimes, especially when someone is sick or has had something bad happen to them, they tend to turn their focus inward, on themselves, and they can get down and even depressed and wind up lying around and doing nothing but thinking about their situation and what will happen to them. He said that I should turn my focus outside myself - think about others and try to do whatever I am physically able to do for others. If nothing else, I can pray for others. He said it is a matter of the will to do this, that sometimes it is harder to will ourselves to turn our focus away from ourselves than it is to actually do something for another. So I have tried since then not to be so lazy and self-centered. Yesterday was one of those days when my will was tested – could I will myself to get off the bed and do a load of laundry? I didn’t feel like it, but I did it anyway. Could I will myself to help Lindy with some homework? I didn’t feel like it, but I did it anyway. I’m sorry to say I wasn’t especially cheerful about doing these kinds of things. You know that scripture about the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak? Boy, can I relate to that. I sat in my recliner yesterday and thought, “I’m going to get up and pay some bills.” But my body would not move except to snuggle into the blanket a little more. It was ridiculous. It went on and on for about fifteen minutes until I finally remembered what Father Hoa said, and then I told myself DO NOT BE LAZY – GET UP AND DO IT ANYWAY! I did. But it’s obvious that my will needs more training, and this is definitely a time of testing for it.
And of course, I need to quit holding on to some of this stuff and give everything to God. That works better some days than others, but I do know one thing – He always gives me exactly what I need, whether it’s trials or consolation, and especially in scripture. Over the last couple of days, the passages from the daily readings and the readings for Mass have seemed meant especially for me, scriptures from the last few months that have helped me so much, and what do you know? There they were again, just when I needed them.
For instance, this passage from Is 30:15 – By waiting and by calm you shall be saved, in quiet and in trust your strength lies. In other words, trust in the Lord and quit worrying about all this.
And from Ex14:14 The Lord himself will fight for you: you have only to keep still. Well, if the Lord himself is fighting for me, I probably should get out of His way.
And from Psalm 3: You, O Lord, are my shield; my glory, you lift up my head! I think of this more in terms of the Father’s great and tender mercy, but He also lifts my spirits and consoles and comforts me in difficult times.
You know, I truly believe the Lord has healed me, and is healing me, and will heal me. I believe it more some days than others, but I do absolutely believe it. Maybe this is just a time of testing and growing in faith that He has everything in His hands, and that all things will work together for good.
Well, it’s way past time to end this ramble. So I will finish by saying once again that I love you all and pray for you everyday. Please continue to pray for me, and if you think of it, please add my three friends mentioned above to your prayers. I hope you all have a joyful and blessed weekend!
